Every Panda Has Its Day

The following is a short story and my first stumbling attempt at surrealist writing. Judge it harshly or not at all.


The man sighed as he pulled on his coat and plopped his hat carelessly down over his comb over. When he hesitated in front of his door, his brown leather briefcase creaked at him impatiently and swung side to side a bit. He grunted assent and dragged open his front door, stepped through and slammed it behind him. His little front lawn - a single shade of green and trimmed into a perfect square - attempted to wave goodbye to him but could not; it was not allowed to grow tall enough to wave. A few doors down, he heard his neighbor's obnoxious dog barking at a nondescript fence.

The man walked to his rather spacious (if ugly) garage and opened the door to find his rather ugly (if spacious) car; he opened the driver side door wide and threw his briefcase into the passenger seat haphazardly (it groaned in protest then fell silent as it settled in) and climbed in after it. He paused for a moment to sigh again before inserting the keys into the ignition. He glanced into his rear view mirror out of pure habit and found himself staring into the face of a giant panda.

"Jesus Christ!" the man exclaimed, jerking away from the panda and turning to face it instinctively.

"Calm down!" the panda responded grumpily.

"How the hell did you get in here?" the man demanded of the interloper. The panda simply raised one long claw by way of an answer. "You can't be in here!"

"Why not?" the panda asked with what may have been a frown.

"Well, it's illegal. First of all, you broke into my car."

"That's your story." The panda attempted to sit back on its haunches and look casual but found that in the confined quarters it could manage no more than squatting slightly more. It did just that and looked quite pleased with itself.

"For another thing, you're not allowed here," the man continued, growing slightly more red in the face.

"Why not? Did you file a restraining order or something?" the panda asked, shifting nervously. It was careful not to voice the plea that threatened to come bubbling out, but it could not keep the plea from its eyes.

"No. You're a panda. It's illegal for you to be here." The panda bristled at the accusation.

"What's my race got to do with it?"

"Well, you're endangered. If people see you here, they'll assume I own you and I'll go to jail for trafficking in an endangered species," the man explained, trying to keep his voice level. The last thing he wanted was to be stuck in a confined space with an angry panda.

"Own me? You specist bastard!" the panda growled, shaking its head angrily. The man could see that the panda's teeth were plenty sharp to tear him apart.

"Look, it's not my fault. You're not sentient," the man simpered.

"No? Why do you say that?"

"You're a panda," the man repeated matter-of-factly.

"So?" the panda retorted with a snort.

"So pandas aren't sentient!" the man snapped irately. A tense moment passed; the man starred at the panda, who stared back at the man. Their panting breath condensed on the windows, shielding them from the outside world.

"I've missed you," the panda whispered quietly. The man turned obstinately away and said nothing. "I just came here to find out why."

"You know damn well why," the man grunted.

"No, I don't. Tell me." The panda wished silently to itself that it could cry, so great was its pain. The man stared intently at the steering wheel in front of him.

"You're of mixed color," the man told his car horn. "It would never work between us." A heavy silence loomed over the car, neither occupant sure how to respond to the gloomy clouds forming between them. The mood was broken abruptly by the sound of sirens in the distance, slowly approaching. The man looked over his shoulder at the panda with suspicious eyes.

"Did you break out?"

"I'm not going back, Jack," the panda growled, suddenly aggressive. The man's eyes began casting about his garage, trying to think of a way out. The sirens were still far off; there was still time. If only they had...
A bark interrupted the man's thoughts and brought him back to reality. He began to laugh without warning, eliciting strange looks from the giant panda seated in the back of his car. He looked up at the rear view mirror again and smiled widely at the panda.

"Get me some paint."






The man smiled blithely at the police officers as his car rolled up to the roadblock. The one nearest his window tapped on it and the man rolled it down complacently.

"Problem, officer?" he asked with easy indifference.

"Y'all seen any panda bears around here?" the policeman drawled, his eyes flicking about the interior of the man's car.

"No, I don't think I... wait, what's that?" the man gasped with all the sincerity he could fake. The policeman's gaze followed the man's outstretched finger to the offending mammal. There stood a panda, its long tail wagging and its pink tongue unfurled in the warming midmorning air. He yelped in delight as the officers moved toward him, dashing past them and down the road. The man rolled calmly on through the roadblock, smiling to himself. The real panda crawled out from his hiding space into the backseat, stretching out comfortably.

"Hell of a thing you did, Jimbo," he admired earnestly. The man looked at the panda in his mirror and smiled fondly.

"You know what they say," he chuckled dryly, "'every dog has its day.'"

"Yeah, well, so does every panda." The two laughed as they drove to the horizon.